Attending a funeral wake can be an unfamiliar and emotionally delicate experience, particularly for those who are unsure of the proper customs or etiquette. Questions often arise: What should I wear? What is the appropriate way to offer condolences? How should I conduct myself at the wake?
In a multicultural society like Singapore, funeral practices vary across different communities and religions. Despite these differences, the core values remain consistent, showing respect to the deceased and supporting the bereaved family. Whether you are attending a traditional Chinese funeral or a Christian or Muslim wake, understanding the basic expectations can help you approach the occasion with sensitivity and confidence.
This guide provides a clear and practical overview of what to expect when attending a funeral wake. From appropriate attire and cultural customs to offering condolences to the bereaved family, it is intended to help you navigate the experience with dignity and respect.
Understanding Funeral Wakes in Singapore
A funeral wake is a period of mourning held before the funeral or cremation, allowing family and friends to pay their final respects. In Singapore, wakes are typically held over one to five days, depending on the family’s wishes and religious customs.
Wakes may be held in various settings — from funeral parlours and HDB void decks to homes and places of worship. Guests often visit in the evenings, although some wakes remain open throughout the day for those who wish to drop by earlier.
Different communities observe different practices. For example, Chinese wakes often involve incense offerings, paper offerings, chanting, and a portrait of the deceased placed at the altar. In contrast, Christian wakes are usually quieter, with prayers, scripture readings, and occasional eulogies shared by close family or friends.
While customs may vary, the essence of a wake is universal—a time to remember, grieve, and support those who have lost a loved one.
Funeral Dress Code
When attending a funeral wake, it’s important to dress respectfully. The general guideline is to wear modest, dark-coloured clothing — usually black, navy, or dark grey. The focus should be on showing reverence, not drawing attention to oneself.
For men, this often means a long-sleeved shirt with trousers and covered shoes. A tie is not necessary unless the family specifies formal dress.
For women, conservative attire such as a blouse with a skirt or trousers, or a simple dress, is appropriate. Avoid sleeveless tops, short skirts, or bright patterns.
What to avoid:
- Bright colours, especially red, which is considered inappropriate in Chinese culture
- Flashy jewellery or loud accessories
- Casual wear such as shorts, slippers, or graphic T-shirts
It’s better to be slightly overdressed than too casual if in doubt. The key is to remain low-key and respectful in your appearance.
Chinese Funeral Dress Code
In Chinese culture, funerals are deeply rooted in tradition, and what you wear plays an important role in showing respect to both the deceased and their family. The colour, style, and even the condition of your clothes carry meaning, so choosing your outfit is important.
For guests, the standard is to wear black or dark-coloured clothing, such as navy blue, dark grey, or charcoal. These colours symbolise mourning and solemnity. Attire should be conservative — long sleeves, high necklines, and full-length trousers or skirts are preferred. Avoid anything tight-fitting, revealing, or overly fashionable, as the focus should not be on appearances.
White is a traditional mourning colour in Chinese funerals, but is usually reserved for immediate family members. Family may be dressed in plain white clothing, sometimes with rough cloth sashes, headbands, or arm bands — all of which signify their relationship to the deceased and their stage in the mourning process.
Colours to avoid:
- Red is strictly inappropriate, as it symbolises joy and celebration.
- Bright colours like yellow, pink, or green are also discouraged unless specifically requested by the family for cultural or personal reasons.
Footwear should be clean and straightforward. Closed-toe shoes are ideal. Avoid sandals, flashy designs, or anything that makes noise, like clacking heels. It’s also common courtesy to avoid wearing brand-new shoes, as some view this as inauspicious at a funeral.
Accessories and makeup should be kept to a minimum. Subtle jewellery is acceptable, but it’s best to avoid bold or shiny pieces. Likewise, natural or no makeup is preferred to keep a respectful tone.
If you’re uncertain about what to wear, don’t hesitate to check with someone close to the family or observe what others are wearing at the wake. In most cases, dressing modestly in dark colours is more than enough to show your respect.
Offering Condolences to the Bereaved Family
Knowing what to say and how to behave when offering condolences can feel intimidating, especially in a solemn setting like a wake. However, more than finding the perfect words, what matters most is your presence and sincerity.
When you arrive, it is customary to approach the bereaved family to express your sympathy. A simple phrase such as “My deepest condolences,” “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or, in Chinese, “节哀顺变” (jié āi shùn biàn), which roughly means “I am sorry for your loss,” is appropriate. A respectful nod or brief handshake may be sufficient if you are not close to the family.
Your behaviour matters just as much as your words. Speak calmly, quietly, and avoid laughter or loud conversations. Mobile phones should be silenced. It is also best to avoid taking photographs unless you have been specifically asked to do so by the family.
At many Chinese wakes, it is customary to offer condolence money, also known as bai jin (白金). This monetary gift symbolises support for the family and helps with funeral expenses. The money should be placed in a plain white envelope, as red envelopes are inappropriate for mourning occasions. You may hand it discreetly to the collection box or person at the entrance. In return, the family may give a small token of appreciation, such as sweets or a handkerchief, which should be accepted politely.
Ultimately, offering condolences is not about saying the perfect thing. Your respectful presence and quiet support will mean the most to the grieving family.
Key Wake Etiquette
Attending a funeral wake is not only about showing up; it is also about observing proper etiquette and being mindful of the atmosphere. Small gestures and respectful behaviour go a long way in honouring the deceased and supporting the family.
Arrival and duration:
Guests typically visit during the evening, though some wakes are open throughout the day. It is courteous to stay for a short while, generally around 10 to 30 minutes, unless you are a close friend or relative. There is no need to remain for the entire duration of prayers or rituals unless invited to do so.
Signing in:
Upon arrival, you will usually be asked to sign a condolence book or name list. This helps the family keep track of who attended and allows them to express their gratitude after the funeral.
Offerings and rituals:
Depending on the religious or cultural context, guests may be invited to light incense, bow to the deceased, or participate in short prayers. If you are unfamiliar with these practices, simply follow the lead of others or politely observe. Participation is appreciated but not mandatory.
Conduct:
Keep conversations low and respectful. Avoid using your phone during the wake; if you must take a call or message, step outside to do so. Children should be supervised, and eating or drinking is usually limited to designated areas, if at all provided.
The best way to pay your respects at any wake is to be present, considerate, and observant of the setting.
Conclusion
Attending a funeral wake can feel unfamiliar, especially if you are unsure of the cultural customs or appropriate etiquette. However, at its core, a wake is about offering respect to the deceased and comfort to those left behind. You do not need to know all the traditions or formalities. What truly matters is your presence and the intention behind it.
By observing the proper funeral dress code, greeting the bereaved family with a simple condolence, and behaving with quiet attentiveness, you help create a respectful space for mourning and remembrance. These small acts of consideration show the family that they are not alone, and that their loved one is being honoured.
In Chinese wakes especially, where symbolism and ritual play an important role, understanding what to wear and how to conduct yourself will help you navigate the experience with confidence. Offering bai jin in a white envelope, participating in incense offerings, or simply sitting quietly and observing can all be meaningful gestures.
Remember that it is not about doing everything perfectly. Families do not expect guests to be experts in tradition. Sincerity, humility, and basic respect go a long way. If ever in doubt, follow the lead of others or quietly ask someone familiar with the customs.
Funeral wakes are a time to reflect, support, and remember. Your thoughtful presence, no matter how brief, can bring genuine comfort to those who are grieving — and that is what truly matters.
